My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
