I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
You were trust falling into bushes
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
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