Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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