Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Randomize
