Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
