I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
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