Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
God, you're like boner-b-gone
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
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