he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Randomize
