woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
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