apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
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It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
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YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
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