The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
it's like iHOP with fire
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
