Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
