Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Randomize
