I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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