you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
