Soap is not a condiment
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
They took my balls.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Randomize
