OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
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