Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Im part way to drunk.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
Randomize
