literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
This show inspires me to have sex in space
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Randomize
