My friends, they love my intelligence
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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