Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Randomize
