Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
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