I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
