I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
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