I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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