i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
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