we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Randomize
