i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
