when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
