Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Randomize
