it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Randomize
