I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
