Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Randomize
