out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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