I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
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