i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Randomize
