Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
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