Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize
