Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
