Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
I feel like abortions should bother me more
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Dear god my vagina.
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