Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
