My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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