was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Randomize
