Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
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