god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
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