Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
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