just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
