when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
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