I seem to have left my pride at pride
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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