I just threw up on my dentist
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
Randomize
