Where did you get a picture of my penis
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
