I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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