It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
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