my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
