I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
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