I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
I'm drive I can fine osifer
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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