i wish starbucks made bloody marys
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
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