I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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