My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
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